Ford Ecosport Forum banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
A sign of the times, I noticed that my local gastropub had started to sell prepared meals that can be cooked at home.
The blackboard by the door said "Today's special" "Mixed grill".
I stopped to ask the chef what the ingredients consisted of, he went on to say "Sir, I have, fried kidney, boiled tongue, braised liver and chicken legs"

I said "look mate, we all have our problems, just hand me the menu."
:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.

Then God created man, and then they both rested.

Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
794 Posts
Well your keeping us all laughing during another lockdown...:D

Here's one of my favorite car jokes...

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Officer: "Age?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays."
Officer: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
OFFICER : "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
OFFICER : "Colour of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think."
OFFICER : "Colour of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember."
OFFICER : "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
OFFICER : "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my motorhome."
OFFICER : "What kind of motorhome was it?"
Husband : "VOLKSWAGON camper van registered July 2015
Fiat 2.8 jtd manual right hand drive With 180 watt solar panels
Hab air con , refillable gas bottles , electric step , led lights , rear camera, fridge freezer, Avtec pull out TV , electric windows , blown heating , superb shower."
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: "Take it easy sir. We'll find your motorhome for you."
:|
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: "I'm not going to do that, it'll ruin the computer."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
''Say, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?'' asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.



''Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much,'' answered the equally wasted gent.



“Ah ****, whaddya know, I've been married to one of those for years and years now and never knew it."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
"Mum, I cant find my dictionary."



"Have you looked upstairs?"



"I cant look anything up......"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of whisky and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
The man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Odeon cinema. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the chap, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
The man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right mate, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where are you from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top