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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A sign of the times, I noticed that my local gastropub had started to sell prepared meals that can be cooked at home.
The blackboard by the door said "Today's special" "Mixed grill".
I stopped to ask the chef what the ingredients consisted of, he went on to say "Sir, I have, fried kidney, boiled tongue, braised liver and chicken legs"

I said "look mate, we all have our problems, just hand me the menu."
:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.

Then God created man, and then they both rested.

Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.
:)
 

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Well your keeping us all laughing during another lockdown...:D

Here's one of my favorite car jokes...

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
:)
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Husband: "My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!"
Officer: "Age?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. Somewhere between 50 and 60. We don't do birthdays."
Officer: "Height?"
Husband: "I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall."
OFFICER : "Weight?"
Husband: "Don't know. Not slim, not really fat."
OFFICER : "Colour of eyes?"
Husband: "Sort of brown I think."
OFFICER : "Colour of hair?"
Husband: "Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember."
OFFICER : "What was she wearing?"
Husband: "Could have been jeans, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly."
OFFICER : "What kind of car did she go in?"
Husband: "She went in my motorhome."
OFFICER : "What kind of motorhome was it?"
Husband : "VOLKSWAGON camper van registered July 2015
Fiat 2.8 jtd manual right hand drive With 180 watt solar panels
Hab air con , refillable gas bottles , electric step , led lights , rear camera, fridge freezer, Avtec pull out TV , electric windows , blown heating , superb shower."
At this point the husband started choking up.
OFFICER: "Take it easy sir. We'll find your motorhome for you."
:|
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Tech Support: 'Ok Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'

Customer: 'I don't have a 'P'.'

Tech Support: 'On your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: 'What do you mean?'

Tech Support: ''P' on your keyboard, Bob.'

Customer: "I'm not going to do that, it'll ruin the computer."
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
''Say, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?'' asked one drunk to his friend at the next bar stool.



''Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much,'' answered the equally wasted gent.



“Ah ****, whaddya know, I've been married to one of those for years and years now and never knew it."
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
"Mum, I cant find my dictionary."



"Have you looked upstairs?"



"I cant look anything up......"
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
MacAndrews was visiting his Irish cousin, O'Bannon. While there he decided to do a bit of fishing. As he sat there on afternoon, his cousin walked by.
"What are ye doing?" asked O'Bannon.
"Fishin'," said MacAndrews.
"Caught anything?"
"Ach, nae a bite,"
"What are ye usin' fer bait?"
"Worms"
"Let me see it," said O'Bannon.
MacAndrews lifted the line from the water and handed it to his cousin. O'Bannon took out his flask of whisky and dipped the worm in it. He handed it back to MacAndrews, who cast his line once more. As soon as the worm hit the water, his rod bent over double, the line screaming out.
"Have ye got a bite?" asked O'Bannon.
"No!" shouted MacAndrews, fighting with the rod, "The worm's got a salmon by the throat!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
The man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Odeon cinema. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the chap, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."
The man just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right mate, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where are you from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
One night, a lady stumbled into the police station with a black eye. She claimed she heard a noise in her back yard and went to investigate. The next thing she knew, she was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.
An officer was sent to her house to investigate, and he returned 1-1/2 hours later with a black eye.
"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.
"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
An uncertain and nervous witness was being cross-examined. The lawyer thundered, "Have you ever been married?"
"Yes, sir," said the witness in a low voice. "Once."
"Whom did you marry?"
"Well, a woman."
The lawyer bellowed angrily, "Of course you married a woman. Did you ever hear of anyone marrying a man?"
To which the witness replied meekly, "Well my sister did."
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
We've had that many power cuts in Britain this winter. A new electric car was introduced with a hatchback design that offered a great facility.

Dealers were inundated with requests for an upgraded rear window defroster.

When asked why, the more common response was: "To keep our hands warm while pushing it."
 

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We've had that many power cuts in Britain this winter. A new electric car was introduced with a hatchback design that offered a great facility.

Dealers were inundated with requests for an upgraded rear window defroster.

When asked why, the more common response was: "To keep our hands warm while pushing it."
From where you got all these jokes? :DD
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
During a performance for the school talent show at the local theatre, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theatre shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
A couple getting their baby girl christened in church, was asked by the Vicar, "Are you sure you want to call your daughter Emma, Mr & Mrs Royd?"
__

Orson Welles had a distant cousin called Orson Cart.
__

Its reputed that Chris Rea had a distant Welsh cousin called Dai
__

Mr and Mrs Dover had the same problem with their son Ben
__
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Guy:" Do you wanna hang out this Friday?"
Girl: "Sorry, but I am getting married this Friday!"
Guy: "Ok, well congratulations! Then how about this Saturday?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
A fellow goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The dealer sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it would cut through 100 trees in one day.
The fellow takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After working for 3 hours he only cut 2 trees. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" he asks himself.
The next morning he gets up at 4 am and cuts until bedtime, but still only manages to cut five trees.
The very next day the fellow brings the chainsaw back to the store and says the saw doesn't work properly.
"Hmm, it looks okay," says the dealer, and starts the chainsaw.
The fellow jumps back, startled, and cries, "What's that noise?"
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.

"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.

And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicion of anything Foreign "
 
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